Culture and Current Affairs

Circle of Men by Bill Kauth

I’ve participated in a ManKind Project, (aka New Warrior) men’s group every week or two for the past eight years. I can’t imagine my life without it.

Sidebar: If you’re interested in starting a men’s group, I highly recommend the book, pictured at the left, Circle of Men, The Original Manual for Men’s Support Groups by Bill Kauth.

Why do I participate in a men’s group? Because the men in my group …

• Give me a safe place to learn how to be myself and shed the society-approved masculine mask.
• Give me a safe place to talk and act in ways I wouldn’t around women. To be with the boys without requiring intoxication, sexual exploitation of women, or sports.
• Encourage me to be vulnerable. They neither coddle me nor exploit my vulnerability. They listen.
• Support my conscious risk-taking even when the task appears daunting.
• Give me space to experience failure or disappointment. They do not pity me; they do not shame.
• Expect me to develop a life mission based on my vision for the world.
• Challenge me to live in accordance with my mission–to live with integrity.
• Expect me to be accountable for the commitments I make. If I have not kept a commitment I am expected to hold myself accountable in the group. When I hold myself accountable, I ask the other men ask me some tough questions which:
  • help me understand the impact of my choice on myself and others
  • help me identify possible unconscious motivations which took precedence over keeping my agreement
  • invite me to “get back into integrity” by making a new commitment and keeping it.
• Expect me to be mentally and emotionally present during our group meetings.
• If I have an emotional charge (anger, fear, etc.) with another man in my group, which will keep me from being present, I can, with the other man’s permission, utilize a powerful interpersonal process to express that charge and own the unconscious projections I am putting on the other man.
• Give me an opportunity to use a variety of group processes to help me live my mission; to live a life of integrity. For example, in one process, I ask the men to give me brutally honest and loving feedback regarding behavior patterns they see in me (and which I might not see) such as:
  • manipulation
  • deflection
  • hiding
  • lying
  • staying in a victim role
  • wearing a mask
  • emotional numbing
  • self-destruction
  • addiction
• Have fun camping, hanging out, playing cards, bowling, having picnics with our families, and going on road trips.
• Teach me to respect my elders and to invite elders to share their wisdom with me.
• Respect and honor my spiritual growth, whether or not that includes involvement in an organized religion.
• Accept the fact that I’m gay; support my coming out process; and examine their own prejudices and feelings regarding homosexuality. For six of the last eight years, all the men in my group have been heterosexual.

This post was prompted by one of my favorite personal development authors, Steve Pavlina and his blog post, How to Be a Man. My response to that article (on Steve’s forum) was the genesis for this “Why I Go to a Men’s Group” post of mine.

The men’s group I attend is part of the ManKind Project. I learned about the group after participating in the New Warrior Training Adventure.